Monday, January 6, 2014

Finally 2014

Acceptance 2014-  Funny this is my title and this is the first entry in 2014 :).  To be honest I tried to write a post one evening and couldn't log on and so I gave up.  Here I am again....2014....I waited and waited for this year.   It is here and so am I and nothing is really different.  Of course not, it wasn't like I expected miraculous immediate changes but there is a happy in the calendar actually changing.  Surviving the last year is done and I will never have to do that again.  There will be other trials but those are over.  I watched as my family fell apart in so very many ways.  As soon as I typed those words my eyes filled with tears and one slid down my left cheek because to say that or type it or express it in any way makes my heart break.  It is the truth though, my family of origin watched my father grow very ill and die surrounded by all of us- to have had the experience of watching a death was not something I really ever considered that I would do.  However as my father grew more and more sick I knew I needed to be there.  It is a strange process in which time stands still and yet it is over before you know it.  They give you the books with the signs to watch for and with my father it certainly followed the outline so that on the final day it was pretty apparent that was it.  It was time for him to go.  He is at peace.  My mother who took care of him day in and day out for over a year is trying to get her life back and it appears she is doing ok.  Other family members I worry about much more because of a history of depression, substance abuse and suicide attempts.  This is one of those
"I am learning to let go of" things because I cannot make it ok.  What will happen will happen. 

My marriage- fell apart like broken glass that cuts as it falls.  My fault, his fault, our fault....certainly not our child's fault.  Yet she is the one who has to go back and forth.  This thing I said I would never do, I am doing.  I chose it for various reasons.  I question those on a daily basis, is it, was it the right thing to do? The final straw, the I'm done?  I don't know.  I don't know.  I know it was not ok and I don't think it could have become ok.  The relationship was filled with lies and half truths and not much honesty about how we really felt.   The excuses, the change this, no change that and it will be ok just did not make it ok.  Of course I am at fault and of course he is at fault.   How to proceed?  I don't know.  So it is day by day at a time.  FYI anyone reading this please know that my grammar is terrible and I don't really care.  This is for me and I hope and think it is not attached to my real name but if it is it is because this is all my truth and my story. 

My income and my self esteem is very career based and that has been cut in half.  I struggle with how to handle it.   My instinct says work more but in doing that I am not giving 100% to my child and that is not ok.  So we handle it another way....cuts here and there and save money.  No need to shop for clothes etc, I don't need anything but it hurts to not be able to.  It feels good to be there for my child though.  My esteem needs to be based in ME and who I am not what I do.  This is tough for me because I don't know who the hell I really am.  I am sober and grateful and have committed but not really gotten into working AA and the 12 steps.  Today was my last good "excuse" it's back to school tomorrow so no more "legit" reason to put off the work on me.  Oh how scary that is because what if I don't like me anymore?  What if I put myself out there and other people don't like me?  It matters but it doesn't at the same time.  I matter and I have to do this.  I have time and have to use it to work on me.  Exercise, eat healthy, write, read, express with art and pictures, work the steps with a sponsor...these are the things that I GET to do starting tomorrow.  I have started to some degree...some writing here and in a journal, some photos and a new found passion for Instagram, have been eating pretty good.  Tomorrow is it though.  Up at five for coffee and mediation and no computer.  No computer or email or fb until my child is at school and I have worked out.  This actually JUST came to me.  While less technology has been a consideration it wasn't until just now that this came out and I realized that I need that.  Whoa it will be tough because is it such a habit.  If I wake up in the middle of the night at times I will check my email and FB. Really?  Am I so important that someone must give me info that I must see before daylight or will a message or post on FB be so important that I can't wait?  Of course not it is just habit and it is a habit to break.  So there...I said it and I will do it.  Possibly some exercise before my daughter wakes up, get us ready, get her to school and then exercise for me.  Some things are just going to happen.  New gym in town that I signed up for in December but due to money was not going to follow through with.  I forgot that I apparently signed up and gave my bank info for the auto withdrawal but there it was in my bank account- 3 months.  I guess I need to be there and the women who are starting it are amazing and this will be a good thing for me.  It's paid for got to use it now :)  Then home for some computer time and computer work and I need to get myself to an AA meeting at 12.  That will get me started.  I have to remember the no computer before school and exercise- good way to start my day being present.  Time for some reading now.  Good night all.

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