Monday, June 30, 2014

Surrender is the word of the day (perhaps year)

Ick is how I feel right now.  Overall this year is so much better than the last few but is (as life is) still full of challenges.  I hate being so impatient and reactive.  There are some things that I am trying to make happen and by the nature of the issues it probably won't be immediate but damn I want it to be.  I try, so very hard to cope with my anxiety and my feelings of impatience and needing to control but some days it gets the best of me.  I am emotional and anxious and don't like it. 

Life in general is good.  My marriage is 110% better, my darling, darling girl is healthy and happy and that is really all that matters yet there is the other "stuff".  The stuff that happens some in my control and some not but I try to make it all in my control.  Bills are piling up and I am the only one working.  This gets frustrating but in other ways it is so nice to have someone take care of me and the sweet girl.  It is nice to have dinner ready and to be able to plan my hours and work when I want to and not around another schedule but then running out of money as soon as I am paid is not nice.  I am trying to sell some real estate that really I should have never gotten but at the time (as always) it seemed like the only choice and it seemed that I should take any drastic measure necessary to get it so as I tend to do...I did it.  It served a great purpose and I love the property but the rest of my family does not and it is too much money for just me so it needs to go.  When I want something I want it done NOW so the process of selling is a pain and makes me irrationally desperate to make it happen NOW.  This is what I do...I get this desperate feeling, this urgency to make things happen because they seem so right.  The reality is this...I can't make anything happen.  I have to surrender this need.  Surrender...I recall reading about shame and the book had an exercise about describing shame with a word...the word surrender immediately popped in my head and the enormity of it made me cry at the time.  Yet that is it....surrender...let go...let it be. 

I keep working at it and it shall happen or it shall improve anyway.  I am breathing more calmly now and don't feel like bursting into tears, it really does help to get it out of my head.  My head is crazy making. My brain takes normal issues and makes them huge and unbearable.  Surrender.  I am sober and I am healthy and those things in addition to my family are all that matter.  This too shall pass.


Saturday, June 28, 2014

Well finally

Acceptance 2014- in June.  I had such intentions of writing more, tracking my thoughts and moods and progress but alas life got in the way.  So many good things now so I'm ok with that but want to be grateful and careful and not let my flaws get in the way.  Compared to the last few years 2014 is a miracle, a life safer, a pure gift from God, not perfect but oh so much better indeed. 

Relationships are being repaired the main one being my marriage.  That thing that was broken, oh so broken is now more like stained glass.  It is broken but being pieced back together.  It is a miracle.  I give in, he gives in and we meet in the middle.  I don't want to be broken and cut by shards of my life.  Some of these shards I cannot control but others I have limited control over.  Again with my control?  Damn- I need to stop with the control.  I control me and only me, I cannot and do not even deserve the right to make choices for other adults.  The fact is this:  I can agree or disagree with what they do and it doesn't matter.  People do what they do due to who they are at that point in time.  It never was and never will be about me.  Choices sure can impact my life though but it's my job to stop that from happening.

I am happy and so blessed.  I struggle at times to stay positive and to live sober and happy and taking care of only me.  I don't rock at that :)  Something's I totally rock- taking care of me is a work in progress.  So I run, I meditate, I do yoga, I strive to find my passion in things and I work on those.  I still do too much and don't allow myself down time...all one else makes this my reality.  So this means no one else can change it. 

On sobriety- almost 4 years since I have had a drink.  My drug of choice.  Words cannot accurately describe how wonderful that feels.  I have more to work on.  I still over work big time, I still self medicate with better stuff but substances none the less, I must protect my sobriety at all costs, trust the process and things will fall into place.  I want to help people stay sober now but at a loss as to how.  I never completed AA and the steps, never did anything other than stop the drinking  So how to help others?  I'm thinking on that one.  Please help me with ideas?  Please? 

I hope 2014 is the best year ever so far for you.

hugs and kisses and much love