Monday, December 30, 2013

When you don't like what you have

Acceptance 2014...accepting what is even when you don't like it.  I will be honest and admit that I don't like much right now.  There is a great deal of chaos and stress in my life and I lean towards the anxious side anyway.  Actually I don't lean that way I am right in the middle of anxious avenue.  It is not a fun place to be and I have learned ways to control it and it is much better than it has been in the past.  I don't go to the ER anymore convinced I am having a heart attack,  don't go from doc to doc to make sure I don't have any health problems and don't freak out on bridges or on roads with construction that make me feel like I am going to bounce back and forth like in a video game.  What I do is try to control everything and that includes other people.  It is in no way because I think I am better than them or that I know the right way to do it but it is simply the fact that if I "control" something then the outcome is of my own doing and at least I can own it.  Hmmm.....not making much sense but that is what it feels like.  If I say "don't let the cat out" 20 times to someone who already knows not to but somehow the cat gets out then I do not blame them but I also feel better about myself because I did everything I could to stop it from happening.  In reality if it's going to happen then it's going to happen but that "what if" I could have done this or that and stopped it is crazy making for me and in return the people around me. 

Crazy making is what my life feels like right now.  My intent is for this blog to remain anonymous but it may somehow be connected to my real name and that is ok if it is.  The last two years have been fraught with disaster or it feels that way to me.  People are tired of hearing about it and I don't blame them.  I got a great deal of "wow- you are so strong" for a long time and that is nice and I am strong but I am human.  I am now "feeling" what I am feeling and I get a great deal of "it could be worse" or "it's ok to grieve but be strong, don't drown in this".  To be frank this is not in the least bit helpful to me.  Yes, it could be worse.  It could also be better.  Yes, I know it will get better and that I will figure things out but if you don't have anything better to say than "oh it's not that bad" or "be grateful for what you have" then at this point I would rather you didn't say anything.  Perhaps that is mean and bitter and feels a bit so as I type it but it's what I feel.  In my life it is always my intent to be independent and take care of things and I will but sometimes those things suck and it isn't fun.

Hence we are at this blog.  Acceptance- accept it even if you don't like it.  Reality is reality and the only constant is change.  This blog and some other concentrated efforts I am making to feel better are going to help but today not so much.  Today I don't like it- it being how my life is.  I will be ok but I am not ok right now and that is ok.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Why wait till 2014? I am starting now

Good morning to everyone. 

As a part of my commitment to accept and create me out of what comes I am going to focus on gratitude.  Gratitude - sounds good, sounds easy enough but how often do I (we) focus on the bad rather than the good?  Bad stands out, our brains are hardwired to see the bad to protect us except that we no longer have the dangers that we once did as humans.  We live in a society where we don't have to run from wild animals or kill for food as humans have in the past, yet we still focus on the bad, the not quite right stuff in our lives.  Some is worthy of focus- I have to think about the events of the past few years in order to work through them and to create a new way of being.  I don't have to make that my sole focus.  A step in that direction is that I am going to create a gratitude list daily  I may do that here, I may do that on my Facebook page or perhaps in the old fashioned paper journal I am going to keep.  Today it will be here. 

I am grateful for:

my healthy child
my own health
tough choices because it means I HAVE choices
time to just be and to reflect
the steps I have taken on this journey to me
my family
my God
my friends that are sometimes just family too
the ability to exercise and create
my home
courage to make my life what I need for myself and my daughter
the choice to no longer enable others
the choice to learn and work on me
this day- that I awoke and can get on my computer in my safe home and make a gratitude list

What are you grateful for?  My intention is to remember this list throughout my day and live in gratitude rather than fear.  My intention is to use my time wisely and really, really live and not just exist. 

Acceptance 2014

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Accept what happens and create me out of it

Acceptance 2014

This is my goal for 2014...acceptance.  Accept what happens and create me out of it.  The last 2 years have been a total disaster.  There have been so many big and small things that have happened that I have almost become numb.  Almost, the rest of the time I am anxious and afraid and question everything I do.  I am starting fresh with a new year and though I don't expect miracles I do expect goodness.

This will be my year for stepping out of my comfort zone.  A recovering alcoholic who will finally work AA, find a sponsor and work the steps.  Taking an online art journal course (I am not an artist or really even that creative).   Make choices for me that line up with my beliefs and my values regardless of what others may think.  Ready for the big one?  Stop enabling other adults by being bossy, overbearing and a very classic case of co dependence.   Why would I know what is best for others, I barely know what is good for me.  I have spent my entire adulthood trying to "fix" other people, it doesn't work.  What works is working on me and that is what I am going to do.

For years my New Year's Resolutions were to quit drinking and quit smoking and by the Grace of God I have been clean for over 3 years.  Clean, dry, not really living wholeheartedly and authentically and this is what I strive for.  Wholeheartedness and authenticity- tough to accomplish when you don't know who you are or what you really want. 

I will journal or blog here daily, I will create with art and photographs to capture more moments, I will say yes to what I want to do and no to that which I do not.  I will make decisions for myself and my child and trust that I will know what the best ones are.  I will exercise and eat healthy, I will connect with others, I will encourage others and I will allow others to encourage me.  I will ask for and accept help when I need it.  I will need it.

December 28, 2013 I make this commitment to myself.  I will keep it.  This will be my year of acceptance, Grace and love.