Monday, December 30, 2013

When you don't like what you have

Acceptance 2014...accepting what is even when you don't like it.  I will be honest and admit that I don't like much right now.  There is a great deal of chaos and stress in my life and I lean towards the anxious side anyway.  Actually I don't lean that way I am right in the middle of anxious avenue.  It is not a fun place to be and I have learned ways to control it and it is much better than it has been in the past.  I don't go to the ER anymore convinced I am having a heart attack,  don't go from doc to doc to make sure I don't have any health problems and don't freak out on bridges or on roads with construction that make me feel like I am going to bounce back and forth like in a video game.  What I do is try to control everything and that includes other people.  It is in no way because I think I am better than them or that I know the right way to do it but it is simply the fact that if I "control" something then the outcome is of my own doing and at least I can own it.  Hmmm.....not making much sense but that is what it feels like.  If I say "don't let the cat out" 20 times to someone who already knows not to but somehow the cat gets out then I do not blame them but I also feel better about myself because I did everything I could to stop it from happening.  In reality if it's going to happen then it's going to happen but that "what if" I could have done this or that and stopped it is crazy making for me and in return the people around me. 

Crazy making is what my life feels like right now.  My intent is for this blog to remain anonymous but it may somehow be connected to my real name and that is ok if it is.  The last two years have been fraught with disaster or it feels that way to me.  People are tired of hearing about it and I don't blame them.  I got a great deal of "wow- you are so strong" for a long time and that is nice and I am strong but I am human.  I am now "feeling" what I am feeling and I get a great deal of "it could be worse" or "it's ok to grieve but be strong, don't drown in this".  To be frank this is not in the least bit helpful to me.  Yes, it could be worse.  It could also be better.  Yes, I know it will get better and that I will figure things out but if you don't have anything better to say than "oh it's not that bad" or "be grateful for what you have" then at this point I would rather you didn't say anything.  Perhaps that is mean and bitter and feels a bit so as I type it but it's what I feel.  In my life it is always my intent to be independent and take care of things and I will but sometimes those things suck and it isn't fun.

Hence we are at this blog.  Acceptance- accept it even if you don't like it.  Reality is reality and the only constant is change.  This blog and some other concentrated efforts I am making to feel better are going to help but today not so much.  Today I don't like it- it being how my life is.  I will be ok but I am not ok right now and that is ok.

Tomorrow is a new day.

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