Monday, June 30, 2014

Surrender is the word of the day (perhaps year)

Ick is how I feel right now.  Overall this year is so much better than the last few but is (as life is) still full of challenges.  I hate being so impatient and reactive.  There are some things that I am trying to make happen and by the nature of the issues it probably won't be immediate but damn I want it to be.  I try, so very hard to cope with my anxiety and my feelings of impatience and needing to control but some days it gets the best of me.  I am emotional and anxious and don't like it. 

Life in general is good.  My marriage is 110% better, my darling, darling girl is healthy and happy and that is really all that matters yet there is the other "stuff".  The stuff that happens some in my control and some not but I try to make it all in my control.  Bills are piling up and I am the only one working.  This gets frustrating but in other ways it is so nice to have someone take care of me and the sweet girl.  It is nice to have dinner ready and to be able to plan my hours and work when I want to and not around another schedule but then running out of money as soon as I am paid is not nice.  I am trying to sell some real estate that really I should have never gotten but at the time (as always) it seemed like the only choice and it seemed that I should take any drastic measure necessary to get it so as I tend to do...I did it.  It served a great purpose and I love the property but the rest of my family does not and it is too much money for just me so it needs to go.  When I want something I want it done NOW so the process of selling is a pain and makes me irrationally desperate to make it happen NOW.  This is what I do...I get this desperate feeling, this urgency to make things happen because they seem so right.  The reality is this...I can't make anything happen.  I have to surrender this need.  Surrender...I recall reading about shame and the book had an exercise about describing shame with a word...the word surrender immediately popped in my head and the enormity of it made me cry at the time.  Yet that is it....surrender...let go...let it be. 

I keep working at it and it shall happen or it shall improve anyway.  I am breathing more calmly now and don't feel like bursting into tears, it really does help to get it out of my head.  My head is crazy making. My brain takes normal issues and makes them huge and unbearable.  Surrender.  I am sober and I am healthy and those things in addition to my family are all that matter.  This too shall pass.


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