Finally 2014

Acceptance 2014-  Funny this is my title and this is the first entry in 2014 :).  To be honest I tried to write a post one evening and couldn't log on and so I gave up.  Here I am again....2014....I waited and waited for this year.   It is here and so am I and nothing is really different.  Of course not, it wasn't like I expected miraculous immediate changes but there is a happy in the calendar actually changing.  Surviving the last year is done and I will never have to do that again.  There will be other trials but those are over.  I watched as my family fell apart in so very many ways.  As soon as I typed those words my eyes filled with tears and one slid down my left cheek because to say that or type it or express it in any way makes my heart break.  It is the truth though, my family of origin watched my father grow very ill and die surrounded by all of us- to have had the experience of watching a death was not something I really ever considered that I would do.  However as my father grew more and more sick I knew I needed to be there.  It is a strange process in which time stands still and yet it is over before you know it.  They give you the books with the signs to watch for and with my father it certainly followed the outline so that on the final day it was pretty apparent that was it.  It was time for him to go.  He is at peace.  My mother who took care of him day in and day out for over a year is trying to get her life back and it appears she is doing ok.  Other family members I worry about much more because of a history of depression, substance abuse and suicide attempts.  This is one of those
"I am learning to let go of" things because I cannot make it ok.  What will happen will happen. 

My marriage- fell apart like broken glass that cuts as it falls.  My fault, his fault, our fault....certainly not our child's fault.  Yet she is the one who has to go back and forth.  This thing I said I would never do, I am doing.  I chose it for various reasons.  I question those on a daily basis, is it, was it the right thing to do? The final straw, the I'm done?  I don't know.  I don't know.  I know it was not ok and I don't think it could have become ok.  The relationship was filled with lies and half truths and not much honesty about how we really felt.   The excuses, the change this, no change that and it will be ok just did not make it ok.  Of course I am at fault and of course he is at fault.   How to proceed?  I don't know.  So it is day by day...one day at a time.  FYI anyone reading this please know that my grammar is terrible and I don't really care.  This is for me and I hope and think it is not attached to my real name but if it is it is because this is all my truth and my story. 

My income and my self esteem is very career based and that has been cut in half.  I struggle with how to handle it.   My instinct says work more but in doing that I am not giving 100% to my child and that is not ok.  So we handle it another way....cuts here and there and save money.  No need to shop for clothes etc, I don't need anything but it hurts to not be able to.  It feels good to be there for my child though.  My esteem needs to be based in ME and who I am not what I do.  This is tough for me because I don't know who the hell I really am.  I am sober and grateful and have committed but not really gotten into working AA and the 12 steps.  Today was my last good "excuse" it's back to school tomorrow so no more "legit" reason to put off the work on me.  Oh how scary that is because what if I don't like me anymore?  What if I put myself out there and other people don't like me?  It matters but it doesn't at the same time.  I matter and I have to do this.  I have time and have to use it to work on me.  Exercise, eat healthy, write, read, express with art and pictures, work the steps with a sponsor...these are the things that I GET to do starting tomorrow.  I have started to some degree...some writing here and in a journal, some photos and a new found passion for Instagram, have been eating pretty good.  Tomorrow is it though.  Up at five for coffee and mediation and no computer.  No computer or email or fb until my child is at school and I have worked out.  This actually JUST came to me.  While less technology has been a consideration it wasn't until just now that this came out and I realized that I need that.  Whoa it will be tough because is it such a habit.  If I wake up in the middle of the night at times I will check my email and FB. Really?  Am I so important that someone must give me info that I must see before daylight or will a message or post on FB be so important that I can't wait?  Of course not it is just habit and it is a habit to break.  So there...I said it and I will do it.  Possibly some exercise before my daughter wakes up, get us ready, get her to school and then exercise for me.  Some things are just going to happen.  New gym in town that I signed up for in December but due to money was not going to follow through with.  I forgot that I apparently signed up and gave my bank info for the auto withdrawal but there it was in my bank account- 3 months.  I guess I need to be there and the women who are starting it are amazing and this will be a good thing for me.  It's paid for got to use it now :)  Then home for some computer time and computer work and I need to get myself to an AA meeting at 12.  That will get me started.  I have to remember the no computer before school and exercise- good way to start my day being present.  Time for some reading now.  Good night all.

When you don't like what you have

Acceptance 2014...accepting what is even when you don't like it.  I will be honest and admit that I don't like much right now.  There is a great deal of chaos and stress in my life and I lean towards the anxious side anyway.  Actually I don't lean that way I am right in the middle of anxious avenue.  It is not a fun place to be and I have learned ways to control it and it is much better than it has been in the past.  I don't go to the ER anymore convinced I am having a heart attack,  don't go from doc to doc to make sure I don't have any health problems and don't freak out on bridges or on roads with construction that make me feel like I am going to bounce back and forth like in a video game.  What I do is try to control everything and that includes other people.  It is in no way because I think I am better than them or that I know the right way to do it but it is simply the fact that if I "control" something then the outcome is of my own doing and at least I can own it.  Hmmm.....not making much sense but that is what it feels like.  If I say "don't let the cat out" 20 times to someone who already knows not to but somehow the cat gets out then I do not blame them but I also feel better about myself because I did everything I could to stop it from happening.  In reality if it's going to happen then it's going to happen but that "what if" I could have done this or that and stopped it is crazy making for me and in return the people around me. 

Crazy making is what my life feels like right now.  My intent is for this blog to remain anonymous but it may somehow be connected to my real name and that is ok if it is.  The last two years have been fraught with disaster or it feels that way to me.  People are tired of hearing about it and I don't blame them.  I got a great deal of "wow- you are so strong" for a long time and that is nice and I am strong but I am human.  I am now "feeling" what I am feeling and I get a great deal of "it could be worse" or "it's ok to grieve but be strong, don't drown in this".  To be frank this is not in the least bit helpful to me.  Yes, it could be worse.  It could also be better.  Yes, I know it will get better and that I will figure things out but if you don't have anything better to say than "oh it's not that bad" or "be grateful for what you have" then at this point I would rather you didn't say anything.  Perhaps that is mean and bitter and feels a bit so as I type it but it's what I feel.  In my life it is always my intent to be independent and take care of things and I will but sometimes those things suck and it isn't fun.

Hence we are at this blog.  Acceptance- accept it even if you don't like it.  Reality is reality and the only constant is change.  This blog and some other concentrated efforts I am making to feel better are going to help but today not so much.  Today I don't like it- it being how my life is.  I will be ok but I am not ok right now and that is ok.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Why wait till 2014? I am starting now

Good morning to everyone. 

As a part of my commitment to accept and create me out of what comes I am going to focus on gratitude.  Gratitude - sounds good, sounds easy enough but how often do I (we) focus on the bad rather than the good?  Bad stands out, our brains are hardwired to see the bad to protect us except that we no longer have the dangers that we once did as humans.  We live in a society where we don't have to run from wild animals or kill for food as humans have in the past, yet we still focus on the bad, the not quite right stuff in our lives.  Some is worthy of focus- I have to think about the events of the past few years in order to work through them and to create a new way of being.  I don't have to make that my sole focus.  A step in that direction is that I am going to create a gratitude list daily  I may do that here, I may do that on my Facebook page or perhaps in the old fashioned paper journal I am going to keep.  Today it will be here. 

I am grateful for:

my healthy child
my own health
tough choices because it means I HAVE choices
time to just be and to reflect
the steps I have taken on this journey to me
my family
my God
my friends that are sometimes just family too
the ability to exercise and create
my home
courage to make my life what I need for myself and my daughter
the choice to no longer enable others
the choice to learn and work on me
this day- that I awoke and can get on my computer in my safe home and make a gratitude list

What are you grateful for?  My intention is to remember this list throughout my day and live in gratitude rather than fear.  My intention is to use my time wisely and really, really live and not just exist. 

Acceptance 2014

Accept what happens and create me out of it

Acceptance 2014

This is my goal for 2014...acceptance.  Accept what happens and create me out of it.  The last 2 years have been a total disaster.  There have been so many big and small things that have happened that I have almost become numb.  Almost, the rest of the time I am anxious and afraid and question everything I do.  I am starting fresh with a new year and though I don't expect miracles I do expect goodness.

This will be my year for stepping out of my comfort zone.  A recovering alcoholic who will finally work AA, find a sponsor and work the steps.  Taking an online art journal course (I am not an artist or really even that creative).   Make choices for me that line up with my beliefs and my values regardless of what others may think.  Ready for the big one?  Stop enabling other adults by being bossy, overbearing and a very classic case of co dependence.   Why would I know what is best for others, I barely know what is good for me.  I have spent my entire adulthood trying to "fix" other people, it doesn't work.  What works is working on me and that is what I am going to do.

For years my New Year's Resolutions were to quit drinking and quit smoking and by the Grace of God I have been clean for over 3 years.  Clean, dry, not really living wholeheartedly and authentically and this is what I strive for.  Wholeheartedness and authenticity- tough to accomplish when you don't know who you are or what you really want. 

I will journal or blog here daily, I will create with art and photographs to capture more moments, I will say yes to what I want to do and no to that which I do not.  I will make decisions for myself and my child and trust that I will know what the best ones are.  I will exercise and eat healthy, I will connect with others, I will encourage others and I will allow others to encourage me.  I will ask for and accept help when I need it.  I will need it.

December 28, 2013 I make this commitment to myself.  I will keep it.  This will be my year of acceptance, Grace and love.